dear vince,

today something on tv made me think of you. i wonder if you realized you were different. and i wonder if that hurt you, or if you just dealt with the hand you were played in life. i think you did. you made lemonade, you made the best out of everything. i don’t know if i could do the same. i don’t know if i would be able to laugh as much as you, if i had been in your place.

remember buster’s birthday? when we got life-size elvis cutouts and played burnin’ love all afternoon. you danced and clapped and had cake with buster’s group. you were always included, and if not, you included yourself. you made everyone happy vince. you really did. you used to hug your brother paul and scream with pure winnie-the-pooh coloring book fresh baked cookies joy. not many people that i know are capable of that much care. a lot of people could use a hug from you, i think.

remember walking through the halls of skillquest? you had friends there. everyone stopped to say hi to you. the nurses flirted with you and you flirted back. you were happy. i remember when i met you. you yelled a bit and gave me a high five and continued on your way. i liked that. that you just kept on your merry way no matter what or who happened in front of you.

vince, you don’t remember your funeral. but i do. i remember when marion called me and told me you were gone. i came in from swimming in my pool and my mom handed me the phone and my hands shook. my hands shook. i’ve experienced loss before, but the hole you left was big. your soul was wide enough for me and so many others to fall headfirst into. my hands shook and then you were gone.

the four of us left straight from skillquest, all piled into a van wearing black and looking down. danny, and sandy, and marion, and i drove to your funeral and sat together and the whole church seemed to sway for you. paul held my hand when i went up to get communion. your parents cried and laughed when those who loved you talked about you. i knew you for only a summer but they got you for a lifetime. a lifetime of hugs.

more people spoke at your burial ceremony outside. they cried for you, and they cried for paul because he lost his brother, and they cried for your parents because your parents lost a son. your mom and dad shouldn’t of been burying you. no parent should have to bury their child, their baby. but they were strong.you were only 24 years old. just about 5 years older than me at the time. just 24 and you were gone and your parents held hands and your mom rested her cheek on your father’s shoulder and my whole body shook, not only my hands.

at the end, after everyone spoke, the priest released two perfectly white caged doves into the sky. we all thought every tear had been squeezed from our eyes, but when the doves flew away the tears came back, they came harder than before. there is something about seeing something so pure and beautiful float into infinity that can bring a father, friend, mother, brother, therapist, lover to their knees. the priest let the doves fly away and we went home but i’ve never forgotten that. i wish you could see how beautiful it makes your memory. you are forever tucked into my mind wrapped gently in white, gliding away to a happier place where your earthly chains have no meaning. just love and high fives and hugs.

i miss you so much, and so often. and on nights like tonight, i wish i could find the serenity and truth i know you had tucked inside of your heart while it was beating. i wish i could see you, give you a hug, show you the doves, be your friend again.

love always.

the whole pole & 44th street.

i need 49 pages of writing to detail how much i miss bryn and cole. seriously. the only people in this world who can make me cringe at how much more inappropriate they are than me. that’s goddamn heroic.

this summer was one of incessant shenanigans. such as: cole and i driving around virginia beach aimlessly trolling for undateables. and remaining single. i won’t go into the places we stopped, but let’s just say that there are a few napkins with a few numbers stuffed inside a few returned DVDs. (uuullllggg)…

or being at bryn’s house and drinking (fruit punch) on the beach with rob & jake & bowen & eastah. and then the next morning going on the boat on which cole and i refused to get our hair wet but instead took glamor shots in the front.

or when poor baby bwyn was incredibly high from getting her wisdom teeth taken out and looked like a baby chipmunk and cole and i went in search of skinny dip which we fatly ate.

LIFETIME MOVIES. we made so much fun of those poor people.

god i just miss two both okay!? my other halves.

happy birthday brynnie. i love you SO much, can’t wait to see you both…

what i said before,

i meant it. my back is breaking.

Babar.

“The Babar the Elephant book is sitting in front of me. I pick it up and start reading it. I remember reading it as a small Boy and enjoying it and pretending that I was friends with Babar, his constant Companion during all of his adventures. He went to the moon, I went with him. He fought Tomb Raiders in Egypt, I fought alongside him. He rescued his elephant girlfriend from Ivory Hunters on the Savanna, I coordinated the getaway. I loved that goddamn Elephant and I loved being his friend. In a childhood full of unhappiness and rage, Babar is one of the few pleasant memories I have. Me and Babar, kicking some motherfucking ass.”

-A Million Little Pieces, James Frey

the blue period led to the rose period.

so i was just thinking about times when i’ve been sad tonight. because there are people around me and far away from me that are sad, hurting, isolated, or scared. all of those words that give meaning to all of those emotions that seem so lonely. they choke you just to read them, i bet. they choke me.

the reasons i was and am thinking of my own personal past sadness was because i was reading the psychological disorders chapters (or “modules” as they are officially called) in my textbook tonight. it is not because i am presently sad. i went on a run tonight with hugh & ansley so my endorphines are actually making me pleasantly reflective. in case you guys were wondering about my current emotional balances.

anyways, what i as saying. i guess, when other people are sad, especially the ones close to me- it tears at me. gently, so that i can hardly feel it. but i can. because i think my empathy-o-meter is always on high, which actually isn’t very heroic at all (empathygirl: da da daduh! —no thanks). a lot of times i just feel bogged down with the mist of everyone else’s emotions.

but i guess sadness is one of those emotions that devours us in its lessons. it really can inspire some of the most beautiful writing i my eyes have ever read. sadness makes someone profound. it makes them deep and alone, caught up in the ugly truth of who they are when they have no one else around, when they are in their own beds and the lights are off and there are no bodies or toys or books or god or happiness to keep them occupied. i like sadness. it makes being more tangible. when i’m happy i have to pinch myself sometimes to make sure i still know how to wince.

i guess i just need to say a few things now, transitions are out my dorm window tonight.

if someone made me six cakes and then compiled them into one pumpkin masterpiece- i would readily hug them. or appreciate them in some way (that was not sexual, you deviants). perhaps, eating the pumpkin cake with them. or pretending to carve it out like you would with a real pumpkin. maybe just being around instead of the aforementioned baker having to take comfort in the same genes, different person. because it’s not the same. i’ve done it too.

and if i got in a car crash, i would be afraid. but i would get out of the car. i know it.

and. i don’t know. i’m done. this was shorter than i had planned. here’s one more thing:

whenever i see the cleaning staff around campus, i now am going to make a conscious effort to stop for at least a few seconds and say hi. especially the one lady who cleans the floor at duke hall that i see sometimes on my way to art history. she seems so alone, like everyone in the little JMU college student bubble is just passing her by with no notice. i don’t want her to feel invisible. i don’t want to feel invisible if my career ended up as cleaning the floor of duke hall. i don’t. i’m gonna say hi. i wonder if she has a husband or grandkids.

and also, i do not think majoring in english would be a really big waste of someone’s time.

writing about other people’s sadness makes me sad. i’m not wincing and i told you so.

big twisty dirty angry ball of nothing.

it sits dormant. i always think its dead, gone, floating away for an infinite amount of time. but it never does. it just hides. i don’t know why i can’t get rid of it. everyone else seems to. no one seems to have it. but i do.

it doesn’t have a name. it doesn’t deserve a name. it is an odalisque. a fantasy. a burden, and a joke. i don’t even have time to write about it. i don’t have time to dwell. so it goes back to being dormant.

i think sometimes the only voices that i can hear are the ones who say nothing at all. i want to hear nothing. and to whom it may concern, the thing that made you feel should make you feel nothing now. it is, you are, i am, nothing.

how to turn a light off in copper beech.

so don’t worry about this title. or the picture that was sent with it. or the caption of aforementioned picture. let’s just agree that i lead a delicate and conservative life. and that’s all i will say about eric’s 21st birthday bash. just kidding, i’m about to say a lot more.

on the eve of saturday, october 24th, lauren, hugh, & i traveled with friends to our babygirl dana’s christmas-lit apartment in the lovely complex of ashby. we enjoyed music by some stupid indie band (cool dana) and then britney, girltalk, and of course katy perry. because those are the “hip” artists that everyone loves to interpretive dance to these days. and, oh, how we danced. the pepper grinder, lauren’s infamous skips, and so much more. more crew members showed up to dana’s house and the festivities continued. a highlight for me was going out on dana’s porch and overhearing some really awesome guys below us say to eachother, “man we just gotta get laid tonight. we just gotta put it to them.” SO COOL & NOT CREEPY.i hope the girls they were talking (strategizing?) about kicked him where it counts.

so anyways, post-eavesdroppation, we gathered ourselves enough to walk to john’s car and pile in. oh wait, we couldn’t all pile in because his little baby suspension can’t handle it so he made two trips. and just as a side note, he hadn’t been drinking so all you who thought you had me- shove it. i stand by my angry posts (see below). we got to eric’s and it was PACKED. actually it was barren. i mean it was early, but still, come on guys. the dance floor was absurdly empty… which was perfect for ansley, hugh, colleen, & the other crew/dance team members. eric, the birthday boy, forced us into doing t-shots out the wazoo, which just makes for a messy night. but a good one. in a moment of fleeting judgement, i danced with someone atop a coffee table with a glass pane in the middle which promptly broke and my leg found itself on carpet. not my whole leg like it got cut off, either. just my foot. i can’t describe the event well. luckily, only my toe was hurt (somehow?), so i count my blessings.

later on, lauren and i went upstairs to use the ladiez, and apparently while i was admiring my facial expressions in the mirror, she grabbed a souvenir from the poor, unsuspecting guy’s room. which is hilarious because she had zero qualms about it last night, but this morning upson waking up totally deplored her clepto-self. so i guess that it is ok, because of all the remorse. right? yeah? please? unforgivable.

after lauren snatched her goods, she and i decided that we needed a little rest from all the action. apparently so did eric. or maybe its because he could not move. either or. so, the 3 or maybe 4 of us took a power nap in his room while hugh ran frantically through the house in search of the ‘friends’ he believed had ditched him. but oh no. we were only sleeping. finally, we made it to the bus stop and back to lauren’s dorm. upon returning, hugh announced he HAD to get to the bathroom and took off for about 15 minutes. little did we know, we was riding the elevator up and down and attackin’ the vending machines in search of munchies. which we then munched and passed out. but picture this: hugh sitting cross-legged in an elevator eating cheese nips. it just brightens my life, such a good image.

all in all, saturday night was deemed a great success & truly the weekend overall was a wonderful, exciting, chaotic slice of time in our lives. it’s these weekends that make you appreciate working your @$$ (for you, caleb) off during the week.we did miss ansley saturday night though. our missing puzzle piece was so fah away. it’s ok, we have all year(s) to reenact.

i do have to apologize to my family for not being the dependable daughter they wish they had. i still got to see my family though (and most likely succeeded in scaring them off till thanksgiving break which is sad), and hang out with my beautiful mini-me lauren. and make inappropriate jokes with my brother. and see the marching royal dukes KILL IT during the band competition. they make me so proud. so does my bro… in only a matter of years you could be out there liam thomas horatio alger sargent.

and if you are wondering where the title of this entry comes from, I’M NOT TELLING AND NEVER WILL. some things that happen at jmu have to stay at jmu. where we all get it.

yeah i may feel uneasy, but it’s a restful kind of melody.

we signed our lease today. it feels nice, very turnaround though. we are already making grocery lists. still have another semester. the term eager beaver comes to mind. that’s a weird term though. awkward. like a lot of things i come across in my mind and life. i never really liked the red hot chili peppers but today i do. the food, not the band. just kidding. i was talking about the band. good lyrics. i wish i could write lyrics. like there was some kind of preformed beat in my head i could just wrap words around. i wonder what i’d write about. first born unicorns? virginifornication? hah what a great mutation. i wonder what it would be like to be born with a mutation. like a cool one. like one wing, or a little baby head you could have conversations with (when no one was around flitting prying eyes). or really fast growing hair. i wish mine would grow. it’s stuck at a length and i miss it long. we signed our lease today. did i mention that?

i guess i’ll make it to the moon if i have to crawl.

ah!

“My Heart Is Afraid that it will have to suffer,” the boy told the alchemist one night as they looked up at the moonless sky. “Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself. And that no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dreams.”

— The Alchemist, Paul Coelho

a list of things i love about college.

1. playing super mario with lacey until our thumbs hurt and we are screaming at eachother and the television. and still not being able to beat ANY of the ghost houses without losing at least 4 lives.

2. watching ’saw’ and making chin videos with lauren, ans, hugh & kricca. sometimes saturday nights are best spent with eyeliner and popcorn.

3. studying really, really hard for midterms and actually getting the payback of good grades.

4. letters in the mail, especially ones with belated birthday presents in them.

5. napping. NAPPING.

6. interpretively dancing to the prince of egypt soundtrack.

7. crew, rowing, practice, the people, being awkward. movie nights.

8. being told at open mic night at TDU that i was signed up to go onstage with hugh and perform a stand up routine for 15 minutes and later on (post hyperventilating) told that it was a joke.

9. having my cousin at college with me.

10. laughing so hard i can’t breathe when ansley says basically anything.

11. how could i forget… the drunk bus. dance parties on the drunk bus. pictures on the drunk bus. not being able to get off the drunk bus because it is so crowded. the drunk bus.

12. my soon-to-be badass scar from my epic fall down the hill outside of eric’s house.

13. grilled cheese thursdays at d-hall. and e-hall brunch. (and pad thai). i’m putting the food ones into the same number to dissuade anyone from judging me.

14. hillside 3B. the craziest bunch of girls i have ever been around. because making slip-n-slides in the hallway is normal. so is having a pet cat in one of the rooms. and so is blasting music at all hours of the night. and so is making our RA wish she had never signed up for this job.

15. cleaning my half of the room so it looks as nice as colleen’s half and then messing it up again within about a day.

16. growing up.