dear dad,

sometimes i think i have disappointed you in that shallow, messy way daughters can disappoint their fathers. i bet if i asked you, actually i know that if i asked you, you would shake your head and disagree vehemently. your voice would go quiet, the way it does when you are serious and focusing on reaching me, getting through my brick wall of defiance and sharp confidence. i know you would disagree.

but sometimes in your mind, i bet you have faltered. i bet you have wished i have never made some of the decisions i have in the past. i bet you haven’t forgotten some of the things i have screamed at you in black moments of loss. i hope that who i am helps ease all of that. i hope that knowing that the good in me comes from you and mom, and your love, and your care that sometimes i ball up and slam dunk into dark corners.

i hope you realize what a beautiful person, what a wonderful father, and how much of a hero you are to me. it breaks my heart to watch you try so hard to control things like your temper- for the benefit of communicating with me. i don’t deserve that determination, that lopsided involvement upon something i never reinforced. perhaps it is being away from home, but i have come to truly and deeply appreciate and miss who you are. every strand of your being is good. gentle even, and kind. the bubble of care you create for me, like those bubbles i used to dance around when i was younger, is warm and infinite. it is somewhere for me to hide, to celebrate in, and to learn from.

i remember learning how to drive with you. spinning around that parking lot backwards, winding down pungo road. going to north carolina and turning around. because we had nowhere to be. and i remember making our playlist, the one used as a constant resort on trips to the outer banks and washington dc. i remember you at every single midget basketball game, on the sidelines of every soccer field, the dark auditorium of every ceremony. taking pictures and reveling in who you helped create. i remember the love visible on your face as you talked to me about easily the most damaged part of your life- a part that i caused. i remember the tears when smokey had to be put to sleep, i remember the tears i never saw that flowed for me.

i don’t deserve the love i have received from you. or maybe i do. i know you believe i do, so maybe i can believe that too.

while the tone of this unsent letter may be a little dark, a little bit laced with remorse, it is painted with joy. it is thankful. i don’t know how much a person can learn in a few months of being away from the people she needs most- but i feel like einstein. i have learned that there will always be a man in my life, a person in my life, that i can run to when i’d prefer to stop altogether. you have been the greatest father i have ever imagined i could have, you have given me the greatest life i have ever imagined to have, and you have helped me love who i am- because half of me is you.

across the universe and back, hell or high water- i love you.

blankets of feeling.

like i was telling someone tonight, i really am complacent when i stare at the map of my life right now. navigate it. small reminders, like laughing during elliptical workouts and walking when it’s chilly, and being with the right people- those reminders keep me happy. i don’t need to butter my life up to make it enjoyable or better then what it is. it already is beautiful. what a great movie title- it’s a beautiful life. and it really, really is.

i made some decisions recently to snip a few people off the lines of the present, my present. it was a good decision, i think. it’s time for not only me, but the people close to me, to be treated well. to be treated with love and care and ease. i shouldn’t have to remind my best friend of the person that he once was. i shouldn’t be reduced to pictures to remind myself of who he was. i shouldn’t have to tell someone to collect themselves, i shouldn’t have to pick up the pieces that they threw everywhere like their life was some tiny bits of cigarette ash. it’s disappointing that i have started to really get my life together while other people seem to just be at the brink of losing it all. but you know- it’s not my problem. so until i am getting paid for my services, the people i will light the cigarettes of are the ones i want to take the health risks for.

i was talking to someone tonight that i have never been particularly close with, the same person who i was sharing my complacency with, and he said something worth repeating. while on the subject of the beauty of life’s simplifications- the times in our lives where nothing seems too much to handle, too stressful or too big, he called them “the times you feel alive, rather then just are”.

i’m gonna leave it that. i feel alive. i hope all of you do too, or at least have recently.

meadowlarks on top on beds of meadow medicine.

i want

to dream about forgetting and to sing about remembering and to love not having love.

a funny story about a bad decision.

that’s what you are. so you might as well stop reading now. i am trying to break your heart.

i’m pulling a pontius piliot and washing my hands clean of all of this. so bye.

why can’t you be like my waterpik shower massager?

in the ever-true ringing words of stephan jenkins (future husband), maybe i just need a sweet reliable machine. because i am tired of boys/men/the opposite gender. they bore me, so until one comes along that is different from ALL the others i’ve thought were different from all the others… ‘why can’t you be?’ is my new soundtrack. but if stephan ever wanted to holler, i’d holler back. i wouldn’t mind if he were an asshole because his lyrics read like they are ripped from the flimsy fibers of my soul.

on friday night, i went to UVa to provide my services as reliable and entertaining date to katie for her sorority’s date function. eric came too as the third wheel. of a tricycle. which means it was good he came too, if you don’t get root words or never rode a trike when you were little (deprived). the date function was the aptly named shipwrecKD party for the kappa deltas. it was basically a pirate themed dance party at this cool bar in downtown c-ville. katie went as a treasure chest- complete with skin searing from hot gluing rhinestonez on her t-shirt and subsequently hitting her back with them. eric went as a creepy white shirt wearing pirate with a drawn on lopsided ’stache. i went as a tribal native of the island on which the shipwrecked crew swam to. it was a good time trying to not awkwardly explain that one.

the dance party was SO much fun. eric and i actually got katie to dance, although she was extremely awkward for the first half hour. painfully awkward. and that’s saying something, coming from me. however, as the night wore on, katie and her two excellent coaches began moving as one rhythmic, grinding machine. natalie was dancing horizontally, but that’s all to say about that.

after the dance party we went to little johns after getting lost once we exited the bus. I SAW RYAN. which made me so so so so so so so so so happy. he is truly one of my best and closest friends, and eating little johns with him at katie’s apartment made up for many lost moths of being at separate schools.

saturday morning, katie and i went back to harrisonburg (which i actually missed while in the sparkly collared shirt region of the university of virginia) and had lunch with max, david, kyle, and drew. it was mexican, trashy, and delicious.

and oh what a saturday night. 6:50 pm: enter bus ride with members of the crew team to eric’s house to begin our crew “movie night”. 8:00: enter losing miserably for my team at flip cup. 8:10: enter yelling “IT DOESN’T MATTER THAT WE LOST AGAIN, WE ARE BETTER LOOKING!!!!!” to the opposing flip cup team after losing again. 9:30: enter epic beer pong comeback made by carlisle and abby against two unknown champions. 10:27: enter the 5th time of playing ‘chillin’ by wale. 11:54: enter don’t remember. 12:45: enter police. 1:01: exit.

it was so much fun. and yes eric, the best party at JMU so far. i love the crew team. and mostly paul, because of his sunglasses.

it’s now sunday and i am nursing a headache, trying to study, and getting ready for the new&improv’d workshop tonight. should be interesting. until then, stay classy.

is this awkward?

that’s the phrase most commonly used by the girls i am most close with on my hall. i don’t know why we became friends, perhaps the glow of togetherness sprung us into action. FROG week must have been more inspiring then we all thought.

but really. K, L, E – you are the creepiest girls i have ever met and i love each and every one of you for it. who else could i make signs of and then post on our bathroom mirror while breathing heavily in a stall while lacey reads it unsuspectingly? uh… who else could i hold eye contact with for an inordinate amount of time? who else could i strive to make so uncomfortable, each and every day?

god this could be an inspirational speech. for creeps all over the world.

speaking of speeches, my gcom class is pretty easy.

speaking of nothing that is relevant, i really love andrew. andrew, i really love you. i am so, so proud of you for doing a cappella at tech. there’s not many people i meet with talent as rich and deep as your voice. but you have the ability to melt people. so melt the judges faces off at your callbacks. i love you, so much. for last weekend and beyond.

i also love crew. perhaps the most awkward sport i have ever been involved in… but i get to be barefoot. and the people i row row row the boat with are fun fun fun to be with. i CANNOT WAIT for the camping trip in two weeks. or for the party this saturday.

i got a 14 out of 15 on my hardest psych quiz so far. and i aced an art history quiz. i’m really proud of my academic achievements thus far. it’s been a while since i’ve said that. i deserve it. my hours are all out of wack from studying. but damn it, those twinkling grades on blackboard make it worth the caffeine addiction i now have.

i’m happy, really happy.

and in case you wanted to know, the sistine chapel’s detail “creation of adam” was painted by michelangelo between 1508 and 1512. NO BIG DEAL.

may your dreams be realized.

i slept for 5 hours today. is that a problem? no. well maybe it speaks volumes about how lazy i am, but i stayed up way too late this weekend. you know something is bothering you when you come in at five and still have trouble falling asleep. i let him get to me in more ways then one, and i tried to stay mad. i even threw things. but i can’t. i never can. i guess that’s the beauty of such an ugly situation.

but for a while i was pissed.

now i am watching coyote ugly and i wish i could marry that guy.

on the every day experience of experiencing every day.

james madison is the most wonderful place i have ever lived. or i guess harrisonburg if we are getting get technical. purple. gold. study. online. walk. walk. walk. class. sleep. wake. purple. i love it. i don’t know how i survived high school, but it was worth it to get here.

the weeks go by so quickly. next week will be the third? i think? it’s crazy how fast time falls away here. maybe it melts into the valley. i wanted to melt into the valley last week, but now i am back. i’m back. and it feels good. at first it didn’t, but now i’m not wicked anymore. i’m not melting.

the hillside field got my back wet, but i went along with it. last night was interesting, and that’s all i will say about that.

i don’t believe the choices i make are bad ones, or good ones. just choices. i’m glad i make them though. they build character, right? right.

but i know it won’t come in a shot glass

i cannot wait for the premiere of ‘glee’. that show looks so incredibly entertaining i cannot even tell you. i wish i was in that show/musical theater/glee club.

i also cannot wait for third eye blind to come in concert. i’m already addicted to ursa major.

i also can’t feel my hands.

my brain just threw up all over caleb.

wanking hearts and britches collide in a donut chocolate shop free thinking color clashing universe of sorts

i sing and play happily and lazily on my lamp shade crossing bridges near the stadium and swinging bats against my own knee caps

he stopped and talked and kneecaps kneecaps kneecaps then that blanket and my prom dress and i changed because it was too black and white black and white white white white you are white why don’t i see it i have got to see the light see the white

we sat and laid and sat and played and i fell down and the earth gave way to a thud from the ground it was him i spun around spin me around baby let’s sing red light give me the green light go go go

writing helping laughing and doing i am solving fixing mashing and stewing my thoughts and my mind is all messy and jumbled remember that bumblebee well she don’t remember me

i don’t think art history needs to be missed

green apples green apples black ones and gold! i am ready to pursue and dive and jump and dance my way into black black black clouds graze like cows and the lawyer defended the girl who lost her happy little baby bye bye bye baby mommy can’t sing you any more lullabies now is the time to sleep like MLK taught you green apple of my eye

this ain’t gibberish, this is pulitzer prize winnerish.