it’s just these few things. they legalized gay marriage in washington DC today according to my fabulous friend brandon’s status update. cool that i get my news from facebook and not a viable source… like yahoo.

lauren and i watched up tonight, and it was JA’DORABLE. seriously, tears. damnit if i want to be an old person and be one half of an old couple. and have a dog that called me master. AND AN ASIAN BOY. who is chipmunk cheekily earnest. god, please grant me the ability to have asian babies no matter the race of the man i marry. herro happiness.

we also talked to ansley and hugh via videochat. i cannot wait for the reunion of bestiez when we get back to school (or maybe sooner if they play they cards right). it will involve photobooth movies, free mug chasers, and cheap vodka. it’s just been. so. long.

i cooked something tonight. pasta. i was so proud i took a picture and immediately posted it on facebook (is that what my life has become? a craving for acceptance via typed comments?) NOT OKAY.

last night i lived genocide and rated movies and got kicked out of a bed by a dog. but most of all, i got unexpected insight from someone who, throughout all of his assholeness about (NEW&IMPROVD) and all my other failures, is actually somewhat of a good friend. i said somewhat.

tonight, or i guess this morning, my soulmate, caitlin, and i were talking on ichat (“it’s only 3:16… what’s not to hate about our lives?”). we stay up way too late and we are going to go to montmarte one day.

so i’ll end on that.

1. How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are? probably like 24. or 5 and a half. either one could work.
2. Which is worse, failing or never trying? come on, never trying. i make a lot of bad life choices and would-be regrets but usually they are too funny to forget, regret, or cry about.
3. If life is so short, why do we do so many things we don’t like and like so many things we don’t do? cause we love the obsolete. and sometimes we should do those things we don’t like to do (like decorating fake christmas trees) because they make other people (my mom) happy. and making other people happy should make you happy, or me happy, unless you, or i, was a sociopath.
4. When it’s all said and done, will you have said more than you’ve done? probably. i talk SO MUCH. and about nothing really. but talking is doing something, is it not? so both.
5. What is the one thing you’d most like to change about the world? ugh i’m not worldly enough to have a fantastic answer for this. genocide in africa is really bothersome to me, its like a really really really big study of the bystander effect. that and everyone should own toms, as a shout out to vanree.
6. If happiness was the national currency, what kind of work would make you rich? making people laugh with my unbelievable inappropriate-ness. this question makes me think of a poignant little wayne lyric: “I take her to da vet, ’cause she a bad bitch.
   You cant be broke and happy so me, I’m mad rich…” ELOQUENT.
7. Are you doing what you believe in, or are you settling for what you are doing? i believe in education, and i’m doing that. so i guess i’m not “settling”. not to mention i am going to the school i’ve basically always wanted to go to… that counts. or maybe that was all a lie and i’m afraid to admit that my life could be so much more exciting and that really, i am just settling. shit, so i don’t know.
8. If the average human life span was 40 years, how would you live your life differently? i’d put myself on FAST FORWARD. skip middle school. keep college. not as much napping. but still some napping. and  a lot more daring activities. i don’t want to be like abner on my psych multiple choice test who felt his life had no: a) meaning, b) pain, c) INTEGRITY or d) love.
9. To what degree have you actually controlled the course your life has taken? i’m semi hard-headed… so i have, for good or for bad, had a lot of control over my own life. it took a lot of fighting, ruining some relationships, rebuilding others. but i’m holding the reigns. easy horsey. ride em cowgirl.
10. Are you more worried about doing things right, or doing the right things? rightfully doing the right thing right.
11. If you could offer a newborn child only one piece of advice, what would it be? wear sunscreen. (thanks baz luhrman.) really though, i don’t know. they wouldn’t understand it anyway. i’d probably just hold them and talk in the high pitched voice i talk to my cat in.
12. Would you break the law to save a loved one? i’d break the law to save someone i didn’t know that well. lets be honest, i’d just break the law.
13. Have you ever seen insanity where you later saw creativity? this question is relevant to my blue and red periods. yes, i just did section off my life in the style of picasso. i am that pretentious. my artwork is creepy.
14. What’s something you know you do differently than most people? there’s a lot. such as my fear of ET, and my love of the uncomfortable. my appreciation for other people’s awkwardness, my appreciation for other people in general. i see it all in technicolor. and i HATE soda. i bet people i know could answer this better then i am.
15. How come the things that make you happy don’t make everyone happy? because we all have those little nooks and crevices in our lives where we’ve been hurt, or feel so filled with joy we could pop. and not everyone has the same cracks that make the nooks and putty that fills the crevices. we don’t all like cotton candy, we don’t all ride the same rides. sometimes the sugar is too strong for some people, sometimes the lines are too hot.
16. What one thing have you not done that you really want to do? jump off that stupid cliff in hawaii. one day…
17. Are you holding onto something you need to let go of? oh how metaphorical. i hold on to my past because i like to. so yes.
18. If you had to move to a state or country besides the one you currently live in, where would you move and why? iceland to giggle about it’s greenery. greenland to giggle about its ice-ery. then wisconsin to prove that its not boring and to go COW TIPPIN. then africa for (hopefully) the peace corps. then somewhere fabulous like london or nyc. then somewhere to have a family. somewhere nice and homey-like.
    
19. Do you push the elevator button more than once?  Do you really believe it makes the elevator faster? yes, and IT DOES make it come faster (TWSS- bam).
20. Would you rather be a worried genius or a joyful simpleton? i’d want to be the illegitimate lovechild of the two.
21. Why are you, you? cause i got pooped out of my momma. dumb question.
22. Have you been the kind of friend you want as a friend? i hope so. i mean, i’m really hard on my friends because i feel like i am a pretty honest, loyal, loving, snuggly friend to the ones i care about. and i mostly get that in return. sometimes i just have to push. but i love my friends, they are my nets and my water and my fish and my everything.
23. Which is worse, when a good friend moves away, or losing touch with a good friend who lives right near you? when a good friend moves away. distance hurts me, i am tactile. i want to hug and be there and learn by doing. if i lost touch with a person that was close by (and i have), i feel that it was meant to end and it probably justified.
24. What are you most grateful for? the people that shape who i am- whether its friends, my family, lyricists, poets, writers, professors, or strangers. anyone who has changed me. i am so grateful to be dynamic, like play-doh: molded and dried and played with by others.
25. Would you rather lose all of your old memories, or never be able to make new ones? i’m afraid of alzheimer’s, so never be able to make new. i don’t want to forget who i am or not recognize people i love. yeah, maybe i’ve watched the notebook too many times. but i’ve seen alzheimer’s, and i think its worse then death.
26. Is is possible to know the truth without challenging it first? for me, yes. if someone yells me the “truth” enough times i will probably believe it. this being, like, math or something. not eugenics or something FUHREEEEKY.
27. Has your greatest fear ever come true? yes. it used to be failure. and i’ve failed at a lot. now it’s ET, and so far that hasn’t come true… but i can always count on hugh for something like a homemade, badly-constructed alien to come shatter my life.
28. Do you remember that time 5 years ago when you were extremely upset?  Does it really matter now? 5 years ago? didn’t matter. 2 years ago? yes and it mattered. 6 months ago? didn’t matter.
29. What is your happiest childhood memory? i had a lot. recess at star of the sea, christmas morning, thanksgivings, my lion king birthday. my dad’s office at our old house watching ‘all dogs go to heaven’. bunk beds with liam. snow days. dress down days when i didn’t have to wear my uniform. when mom popped liam out and i got a barbie.
30. At what time in your recent past have you felt most passionate and alive? when i worked at skillquest, when i fell in love and surprisingly- when i stopped being in love, running away from the guy i thought was going to kill me on the beach that one night, the first time i went on a roller coaster (apollo’s chariot front row thankyouverymuch). streaking. when vince died. driving to seashore that one day last year. again, when vince died. death is a reminder that my heart is still beating and flowing and i am alive.
31. If you haven’t achieved it yet, what do you have to lose? i have nothing, not a single thing to lose. only things to add. like a hoarder of sorts.
32. Have you ever been with someone, said nothing, and walked away feeling like you just had the best conversation ever? vince to the hundredth thousandth power.
33. Is it possible to know, without a doubt, what is good and what is evil? relativity is key.
34. If you just won a million dollars, what would you spend it on? paying for college so the rents didn’t have to. and a real tree. and making skillquest bigger. and then clothes. and thigh high boots. WUAAHAH.
35. Would you rather have less work to do, or more work you actually enjoy doing? more work i enjoyed doing. i want a career that swallows and consumes me, at least for a while.
36. Do you feel like you’ve lived this day a hundred times before? laying in bed all day, yes. but other aspects no. HOW MYSTERIOUS.
37. If you knew that everyone you know was going to die tomorrow, who would you visit today? hannah, hugh, ans, lauren, bryn, cole- the people who make me laugh the hardest would be the ones to keep me from crying. and then i guess stay with my family and play with baby jing. and sing with liam.
38. Would you be willing to reduce your life expectancy by 10 years to become extremely attractive or famous? sure… TO BE THE NEXT LADY GAGA.
39. What is the difference between being alive and truly living? being alive is blood flowing and a beating heart. really living is what makes you feel your heart pound, what makes your blood run hotter, makes you sweat, makes my cheeks flush. see #30.
40. When is it time to stop calculating risk and rewards, and just go ahead and do what you know is right? all the time. but at least when you’ve realized how much time you’ve wasted calculating. you gotta just jump sometimes without packing a big ass parachute.
41. If we learn from our mistakes, why are we always so afraid to make a mistake? because they hurt us, they scratch at our dignity and they make us clumsy and more awkward then we already are.
42. What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you? god. a lot. sing more, love people faster, make more friends, go back to my offbeat dress code. cry in public when i see things that make me really happy or really sad. tell more people off.
43. When was the last time you noticed the sound of your own breathing? when ansley told me my nose ring was making my nose-breathing whistle-y during finals weak in a state of utter delirium.
44. What do you love? today? i love sleeping, my family, down, talking, watching a christmas story with my dad, singing in the shower, writing, laughing so hard i cry. lyrics, clean cotton smelling candles. getting good grades. working out. tomorrow it will probably different. but the stayers are lyrics, movies that make me change my perspective, small animals, reading so hard my brain hurts, and the realization that i could erase everything today and start absolutely clean cotton fresh tomorrow. in a new state, a new peace, a new life. i could, but i probably won’t. i love my present too.

to start, i’m not racist. but every time i go to a party (i am not embellishing) the single or maybe two black men find me, touch my hair, grab my butt, call me “a tasty white girl” (NOT KIDDING) and proceed to start dancing with me. this exact scenario happened tonight. this has happened multiple times at different parties. it’s not always “tasty white girl”, but sometimes “look at that hair”, or “hey sweetheart you like dark boys?”. i don’t know what it is. i’m thinking it really must be my hair, but like, come on. i was wearing a turtle neck and a sweater tonight. captain of the fucking chastity club.

it’s just annoying.

what’s a meteor? i fell and it fell we fell but not apart just down. i’m sitting at my desk my disorganized chaotic block of studying that i don’t use for studying a lot. there are tissues because my nose is running away far away from me. here’s some advice don’t let it whipcrack your life i mean i wouldn’t dare but especially not since the shins direct me not to (o how your sisters will write). four days till i go home back to my bed and my cat and oh yeah my family too can’t forget them love them too. drowning it’s funny that virginia beach drowned while i was at school i kinda wish i saw it but i missed it i missed the boat you could say like the one that crashed into sandbridge. goldenrod and the 4h dome that song is still the saddest one on shuffle that and milk thistle. i’m coughing coughing coughing and i keep thinking about the book that was written in this funny format even though it wasn’t real i like it it’s real to me. coffee and cloves and spite that’s all real sarcasm is real the world is real just like the guy said while he banged his drum at the poetry night isn’t it a miracle us being here just being alive. i think so i guess i had never thought about it before but sitting in that basement listening to words and beats and breathing help remind me of that joy the emotion that always seems to hide at things like poetry readings. i’m sifting through music the voices are dancing spinning right into my eardrum and leaving out of the other side ok maybe that was an embellishment but its real to me i swear its real like what i said before coffee and cloves and spite. i cannot wait to go home to see my loves my family and my other family the ones who play scattagories with me and laugh and sing and know me deep down so deep more then 8ft deep. hannah my sister my other soul my laughing bubbling beautiful best friend and andrew my perpetual personal singer my understanding car ride buddy my thousandth hug lightening bug and my brother the ever growing beanpole who is ever growing i don’t mean just in height and the deep thinker caleb always thinking making me think making the world turn just breathe breathe breathe and live we all just gotta live i want to see my people. i want to see them i want hugs i want games i want my dad’s cooking i want a lot. but i give a lot too. the reoccurring kind the reoccurring kind doesn’t come around anymore that’s ok i wouldn’t want that kind too anymore that kind is away gone dumped and kicked. it really did take me so long to figure out what this book has been about chapters and chapters of stumbles leading into full pages of flowery plains. i get it all now. i love mostly everyone and mostly everything but i still don’t really know what a meteor is.

today something on tv made me think of you. i wonder if you realized you were different. and i wonder if that hurt you, or if you just dealt with the hand you were played in life. i think you did. you made lemonade, you made the best out of everything. i don’t know if i could do the same. i don’t know if i would be able to laugh as much as you, if i had been in your place.

remember buster’s birthday? when we got life-size elvis cutouts and played burnin’ love all afternoon. you danced and clapped and had cake with buster’s group. you were always included, and if not, you included yourself. you made everyone happy vince. you really did. you used to hug your brother paul and scream with pure winnie-the-pooh coloring book fresh baked cookies joy. not many people that i know are capable of that much care. a lot of people could use a hug from you, i think.

remember walking through the halls of skillquest? you had friends there. everyone stopped to say hi to you. the nurses flirted with you and you flirted back. you were happy. i remember when i met you. you yelled a bit and gave me a high five and continued on your way. i liked that. that you just kept on your merry way no matter what or who happened in front of you.

vince, you don’t remember your funeral. but i do. i remember when marion called me and told me you were gone. i came in from swimming in my pool and my mom handed me the phone and my hands shook. my hands shook. i’ve experienced loss before, but the hole you left was big. your soul was wide enough for me and so many others to fall headfirst into. my hands shook and then you were gone.

the four of us left straight from skillquest, all piled into a van wearing black and looking down. danny, and sandy, and marion, and i drove to your funeral and sat together and the whole church seemed to sway for you. paul held my hand when i went up to get communion. your parents cried and laughed when those who loved you talked about you. i knew you for only a summer but they got you for a lifetime. a lifetime of hugs.

more people spoke at your burial ceremony outside. they cried for you, and they cried for paul because he lost his brother, and they cried for your parents because your parents lost a son. your mom and dad shouldn’t of been burying you. no parent should have to bury their child, their baby. but they were strong.you were only 24 years old. just about 5 years older than me at the time. just 24 and you were gone and your parents held hands and your mom rested her cheek on your father’s shoulder and my whole body shook, not only my hands.

at the end, after everyone spoke, the priest released two perfectly white caged doves into the sky. we all thought every tear had been squeezed from our eyes, but when the doves flew away the tears came back, they came harder than before. there is something about seeing something so pure and beautiful float into infinity that can bring a father, friend, mother, brother, therapist, lover to their knees. the priest let the doves fly away and we went home but i’ve never forgotten that. i wish you could see how beautiful it makes your memory. you are forever tucked into my mind wrapped gently in white, gliding away to a happier place where your earthly chains have no meaning. just love and high fives and hugs.

i miss you so much, and so often. and on nights like tonight, i wish i could find the serenity and truth i know you had tucked inside of your heart while it was beating. i wish i could see you, give you a hug, show you the doves, be your friend again.

love always.

i need 49 pages of writing to detail how much i miss bryn and cole. seriously. the only people in this world who can make me cringe at how much more inappropriate they are than me. that’s goddamn heroic.

this summer was one of incessant shenanigans. such as: cole and i driving around virginia beach aimlessly trolling for undateables. and remaining single. i won’t go into the places we stopped, but let’s just say that there are a few napkins with a few numbers stuffed inside a few returned DVDs. (uuullllggg)…

or being at bryn’s house and drinking (fruit punch) on the beach with rob & jake & bowen & eastah. and then the next morning going on the boat on which cole and i refused to get our hair wet but instead took glamor shots in the front.

or when poor baby bwyn was incredibly high from getting her wisdom teeth taken out and looked like a baby chipmunk and cole and i went in search of skinny dip which we fatly ate.

LIFETIME MOVIES. we made so much fun of those poor people.

god i just miss two both okay!? my other halves.

happy birthday brynnie. i love you SO much, can’t wait to see you both…

i meant it. my back is breaking.

“The Babar the Elephant book is sitting in front of me. I pick it up and start reading it. I remember reading it as a small Boy and enjoying it and pretending that I was friends with Babar, his constant Companion during all of his adventures. He went to the moon, I went with him. He fought Tomb Raiders in Egypt, I fought alongside him. He rescued his elephant girlfriend from Ivory Hunters on the Savanna, I coordinated the getaway. I loved that goddamn Elephant and I loved being his friend. In a childhood full of unhappiness and rage, Babar is one of the few pleasant memories I have. Me and Babar, kicking some motherfucking ass.”

-A Million Little Pieces, James Frey

so i was just thinking about times when i’ve been sad tonight. because there are people around me and far away from me that are sad, hurting, isolated, or scared. all of those words that give meaning to all of those emotions that seem so lonely. they choke you just to read them, i bet. they choke me.

the reasons i was and am thinking of my own personal past sadness was because i was reading the psychological disorders chapters (or “modules” as they are officially called) in my textbook tonight. it is not because i am presently sad. i went on a run tonight with hugh & ansley so my endorphines are actually making me pleasantly reflective. in case you guys were wondering about my current emotional balances.

anyways, what i as saying. i guess, when other people are sad, especially the ones close to me- it tears at me. gently, so that i can hardly feel it. but i can. because i think my empathy-o-meter is always on high, which actually isn’t very heroic at all (empathygirl: da da daduh! —no thanks). a lot of times i just feel bogged down with the mist of everyone else’s emotions.

but i guess sadness is one of those emotions that devours us in its lessons. it really can inspire some of the most beautiful writing i my eyes have ever read. sadness makes someone profound. it makes them deep and alone, caught up in the ugly truth of who they are when they have no one else around, when they are in their own beds and the lights are off and there are no bodies or toys or books or god or happiness to keep them occupied. i like sadness. it makes being more tangible. when i’m happy i have to pinch myself sometimes to make sure i still know how to wince.

i guess i just need to say a few things now, transitions are out my dorm window tonight.

if someone made me six cakes and then compiled them into one pumpkin masterpiece- i would readily hug them. or appreciate them in some way (that was not sexual, you deviants). perhaps, eating the pumpkin cake with them. or pretending to carve it out like you would with a real pumpkin. maybe just being around instead of the aforementioned baker having to take comfort in the same genes, different person. because it’s not the same. i’ve done it too.

and if i got in a car crash, i would be afraid. but i would get out of the car. i know it.

and. i don’t know. i’m done. this was shorter than i had planned. here’s one more thing:

whenever i see the cleaning staff around campus, i now am going to make a conscious effort to stop for at least a few seconds and say hi. especially the one lady who cleans the floor at duke hall that i see sometimes on my way to art history. she seems so alone, like everyone in the little JMU college student bubble is just passing her by with no notice. i don’t want her to feel invisible. i don’t want to feel invisible if my career ended up as cleaning the floor of duke hall. i don’t. i’m gonna say hi. i wonder if she has a husband or grandkids.

and also, i do not think majoring in english would be a really big waste of someone’s time.

writing about other people’s sadness makes me sad. i’m not wincing and i told you so.