general observations about a specific person.

i don’t mean to let certain people into my life. sometimes they just come in without knocking.

and he did.

it would never have worked. there is too much circumstance that all but popped the bubble we hid in. i guess hiding is a good way to get to know someone though. i’ve never met anyone that my past didn’t affect or come to the surface with but he never asked. and i never asked about his, even though i knew there were some dark blue filmy secrets sitting right behind his pretty eyes. sometimes it is better just to look straight ahead rather then curve around and seek out. safer that way. also more dangerous.

i don’t really know the answers to anything, but he thought i did. i still twist from the blow i packed all for myself.

i miss his eyes.

the things i love.

i love my family. sometimes i want to punch them, a wall, them, or myself what with the things we say and do to each other. but they are my everything. they are my strengths and my weaknesses and my flaws and the things people can fall in love with. they are slices of me, i am orange peels of them. my parents, my brother, my cousins, my aunts, my uncles, my non-blood relations. they molded me and for that i can only love them. because what else can we do to say thank you? hallmark doesn’t make cards that big.

next, i love living near a beach. i think about people in utah, and allentown (shoutout), and kansas sometimes, and i wonder what they do all summer. i mean yeah, we all have malls and amusement parks and pools and stuff, but when that stops being fun what do they do? i mean we can just go down to the beach and bullshit around with fireworks and towels and maybe bonfires. but what about them? field parties? tornado cookouts? it really worries me sometimes.

seriously if anyone who reads this knows what the middle-zone beachless americans do for fun when everything else is boring please tell me. i’m losing sleep over this. just kidding. but if i was losing sleep i would just go to the beach and listen to the waves. SERIOUSLY WHAT DO THESE PEOPLE DO?

on that note, i love sleeping. i think maybe gradfest helped me realize this. i mean, yeah, seeing everyone for the last time is fun and all and balloon animals are(n’t) pretty cool and playing poker in the cafeteria is mind blowing and all, but shit, i am a first rate bitch at 3 in the morning (ask ian and hannah). seriously, i guess it is different if you are at a party and use a certain liquid to make your sense of time feel invincible but that was not the case at gradfest. the case was that the hypnotist saved me from mass murdering the happy graduating class of 2009.

on that same note- let me just add another shoutout to the dumbasses that came to gradfest obliterated. it’s time to grow up kids, it was one night. if a person needs to indulge to a point of embarrassing themselves before a school function, the LAST school function, then they are gonna have real issues when they are older and have to attend stuff that is even more painful. hello future childrens’ swim meets, soccer games, kindergarten meet-n-greets. i can smell the blooming alcoholism, and it smells like cham-pag-neigh.

anyways, i love music. now that may sound a bit general. but honestly, and i have written about it before, this stuff breathes through me, it pulses and sways and fills me. getting a new ipod for graduation (RIP original gangster) has renewed a sense of purpose in my driving, social, and personal life. i can match a song to my mood and fall right into it. have you ever noticed that with the music you love, you place yourself literally into the song? ok well i do that.

lastly, i love writing. i know most of everything i put on here is whimsical and not as potent as, say, a college essay or graded paper. but i type with my two fingered never-took-a-typing-class way because i want to word vom all over this thing. i gotta share, so its not all inside. because that was part of the problem before.

i hope you understand.

oh baby you.

i’m really happy. i graduate from high school tomorrow. and its weird, these are so many posts in which i have been nostalgic and reminisce-y (not a word), but right now i do not feel like doing any of that. i’m just trying to walk across that stage tomorrow, grab, pause, smile, and dip. it’s time to go, in every sense that that phrase can have. this summer will be short anyways, which is good for my own well being but kinda tugging on my interior. which is a story in itself.

i don’t fight the twists that my life forces me to travel down, around, across, and below. i just stumble a bit and keep on my way. i think this way is better because at least i know there are twists coming. nothing is ever the way i think it will be.

I AM DANGEROUSLY CLOSE TO NOT SPEAKING IN METAPHOR ANY LONGER. my love affair with typing nonsensical things must. end. now. but i can’t leave it (him) alone.

did i mention i am really happy right now? cause i am.

peace, love, and not-so-flattering graduation caps.

fly away.

i’ve messed up a lot. but i’m not a bad daughter, or a bad friend, or a bad girlfriend, or a bad person, a bad human, a bad existence. i’m going to keep telling myself that while my soul and everything that drips around inside me disagrees. i am convincing. and that’s all i want to say on my current situation.

bad bad bad bad bad.

but soooo good.

things things things & the ting tings.

today hannah picked me up for school since thug life discombobulated in the middle of general booth. it was scary. not hannah picking me up, but my car dying. or steaming. or whatever. two men on motorcycles saved me (told me my fan belt was broken and my car was running ‘hot as shit missus’). swoon swoon swoon.

when my car died, no one stopped. i literally had eight voicemails when i got home (”hey oh man are you ok geez i saw you with your car oh man i was so worried.”) BAH! if you were worried you would have stopped assholes. but this really nice guy from animal control DID stop. as soon as he stepped out of his truck (which had legit lights that he turned on to save my car from sneak attacks) i asked him if he killed dogs when he caught them. he sighed and said not every dog catcher is evil. i raised my (freshly waxed) eyebrows and he pinky promised that he didn’t. i was pleased and grateful that he waited with me while my mom and uncle came to fix my crisis. he was really nice. nicer then the message-leavers-but-not-do-anything-ers. the thought is what counts though i guess?

ian, matt, hannah, kev-o, and i went out to lunch after school today and now everyone knows i habitually bite styrofoam cups (or anything in close proximity made of sty-ro). it’s weird… i can’t help it.

tonight in wall-mart i saw a white girl, like seriously pale white, staring at the black girl makeup. i wonder what she was thinking about while she looked at the ebony tint bronza (just kidding, it said bronzer. i just wanted to flirt with the lines of racism). but really. it made me uncomfortable. she was like 12. 

go download  ’sweet child o’ mine’ by taken by trees. it’s so pretty, like my new macbook. if i listen too long, i’ll probably break down and cry. 

also, i just got a text from caleb that said this: “Sometimes when i get into bed i laugh. Like a little chuckle. Bc the bed is so comfortable.” 

i’m saving that forever. i couldn’t even come up with a response to it. hands down best text of my life.

i wonder how much ebony tint bronza i would need to switch races.

i wonder who has tried switching races with ebony tint bronza. i wonder if that 12 year old will.

this post is just as discombobulated as TL’s cracked radiator.

confidential camerecordings.

the title of this has nothing to do with any current life-activity of mine that is taking place at the moment. i just saw a video cam on the desk next to me and felt like making up a new word.

speaking of new words, i have been rolling around with cale lately. and by rolling around i literally mean the wheels of my car rolling in a circle while we drive to places. we make up words too. the best one so fair is waisen. if you cannot guess what that is a combo of, then you don’t deserve to know.

i seriously, honestly, incredibly, weirdly, CANNOT believe that i am graduating from high school in less then a month (if you count days). that’s insane. this morning in magnet geology, BH, HKH, and i were discussing long withheld memories of past years. there are some good ones.

like chemistry our freshman year. one day, mrs. green announced to us that she was about to do something that we would never forget. she then proceeded to sing ‘my humps’ by the black eyed peas while she pelvic thrusted her way around the chalkboard showing us some kind of chemistry topic. as you can see, i do not remember what she was trying to teach us. but i will never forget the curly red-haired dress-and-sneaker-wearing fergie.

how about everything that has to do with the bio trip? like the picnic. or schrat breaking a window and then running away. or BH playing ‘never have i ever’ and learning some unexpected and uncomfortable things about the so-called ‘good girls’ of our grade. or doing ky and shavers hair. or the shark pond. or when HKH and i snuck out and saw deer (the moment that which began my all-encompassing adoration of deer). or how about tanning on the grassy knoll. or how about the airplane ride in which we all sang the diarrhea song. or how about the black guy that called BH thick. or how about how we all loved each other that week.

or how about every single video project. nothing needs to even be said.

i really like basking in these memories. it’s like indoor tanning without the orange. anyways, i feel like graduation is going to be really sad. i am harsh on my friends, and to a lot of people i meet, but i really have made amazing friends in high school. it’s a handful- but the ones in my hands are the ones that will always be in my hands. leaving my teachers will be worse. i have relied on them so much- as mentors and friends and coaches and therapists. i am not sure how to thank people that encapsulate everything i want to be other then crying my eyes out and squeezing them real tight (my teachers, not my eyes).  i guess i’ll hug my classmates, too. i really do love most of you guys, much as i hate to admit it. ALSO. i hope albie goes ahead with his satirical speech. that’d be a good way to end it all.

tomorrow is tardy and proud day. i had a dream last night that it went really well. like 300 people showed up and the police were called it. i am pissed that i had that dream because now nothing will measure up. (cheryl crying, chaos erupting, evil laughter as the soundtrack, ISS, jail… etc.)

my mom is talking on the phone ever so loudly behind me so now my concentration is ruined.

so bye.

this isn’t a new thought or anything.

so many people are a waste of my time.

and there isn’t even a lot of time left, the average human only lives for about 40,471,200 minutes, so wasting it is incredibly counter-productive. and yes i just looked up that number.

also: looking up that number of how many minutes the average person lives was less of a waste of time then however many minutes i spend talking or being around certain people. that’s crazy.

my brother.

sometimes i want to kick that little snot in the face.  sometimes he can be semi-interesting though.

also, i went to the gym with keri tonight and not only awkwardly ran into a bunch of people that i used to know, but we saw the two biggest tools ever. i swear (taking a page from ky’s book) both of their names were chaz. they liked tank tops, and listening to daft punk. eating at cafe fresh. watching entourage. peabodys. and being tools. and standing around and not working out but just talking about how jacked they were. it was embarrassing to watch.

on crossroads and being stung.

i don’t know what it is, but everything is better now. i feel like i’ve begun to truly sort out my life. this mostly centers around the fine-tuned idea of doing what i want to do. or what i need to do. when i need to do it. like, sometimes, i will be in the middle of making a decision… and i will come to the usual crossroads. mind you, these crossroads that i come to suck. and we all have them-the parameters of what person or group of persons will be watching where we go, wear, say, be. and usually, and i think just by human nature, we choose the quieter one- the skinny leg blue jeans rather then the wide leg yellow ones, the obvious, the benine, the harmless. i mean, i tryand call myself an individual but even that’s easier then calling myself by my own name. HOWEVER, i guess as i grow up i have finally began to suck it up and take the hilly road at the crossing, the mt. trashmore, if you will. it’s funny because i like it a lot more then the easy one. i got real tired of living my life for everyone else, and being who i was supposed to be. it’s nice to breathe easy and just not worry about it anymore. people are to delicate not to love, so i’d rather just love everyone.

now, now.

i’ve had a lot of experiences with this one bumblebee lately. and shit, my past tells me that i hate bees. but this one is kind of different. i like it’s black and yellow rings. oh, and, its not one of those bees that stings you once then is powerless. it keeps stinging, especially me, so much that i feel like i am forever running away, skidding through my grass and locking my doors. but then i stop, and it stings me again. the important thing is that i stop. it’s taken a while, but now i’m getting used to its stings. i kind of like them. however, i know that soon the ubiquitous bumblebee is gonna hover somewhere new. there isn’t much pollen, or i guess nectar around my house anymore and i feel like this certain bee doesn’t even like pollinating these local flowers that much even though it is afraid to try any other kinds. its going to soon though. and soon, i’ll be stingless, but not any more healed.